life imitates art (tomodachi life review + identity crisis)
how fun could it be to create all your friends, favorite characters and loved celebrities to watch them interact ??
let me tell you: it's super fun, the most fun i've had playing a video game in a very long time actually.
i thought trying and sometimes succeeding to make all my ships canon was gonna be my favorite part of the game, but turns out watching the miis i created do something completely on character and behave exactly like their real version would is bringing me the most joy.
like my friends (who are best friends themselves irl) immediately asking me if they can live together,
or yuki (fruits basket, manga) falling in love with tohru as soon as he saw her, he literally went from strangers to love the second i made them interact, but as much as i try to make kyo and tohru fall in love, i keep failing and failing, it's like i'm watching the anime all over again !! like you can't tell me this here isn't kyo and yuki's canon dynamic:
and don't make me start on buck and eddie (911, tv show) completely stuck in this dynamic ? it's been weeks and i can't convince buck to confess !!
because you know, eddie is straight so how could buck tell him he is in love ?? they're queerbaiting me even in my own made up world !!
plus ! buck having fun baking cookies and knitting !!! canon !!
wdym neil and andrew (aftg, book saga) are quietly agreeing they've never been happier than now ???? do you want me to cry ??
it's also very funny to see my mom gossip with my friends, her mii is actually closer to them than mine so that's now an ongoing joke in the groupchat
but by far the most interesting thing that has happened to me while playing the game is reconsidering my whole identity and stopping for the first time in years to think about how i feel about who i am.
do you know that tweet that became a meme ? the one that said: "im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn",
like i said, i'm very obviously queer and a little bit weird so everyone in my life has always assumed i'm not cis-straight, and that's always been enough for me. i like not being labeled.
i've been living so far letting people assume my identity and never correcting them. you want to use she/her pronouns with me ? sure ! do you think i look like a boy ? i am !! you think i'm a lesbian ?? well yes actually. "ow look at this poor confused old lady, she keeps using he/him while talking about to you !" i don't think she's confused at all ! !!, "wait you are lowkey in love with that man.... are you bi ?" i guess i am. "hold on you've never had sex ? and you don't plan to ever have it ? why ?? you could literally get anyone you wanted.... you must be ace..." well if i must, sure, okay !
i do have favorites tho, if someone pries more than they should and keeps insisting me to tell them which type of queer am i exactly, i usually go for: she/her, lesbian.
truth is men make me uncomfortable, i know it's not fair to generalize but i've lived long enough, i can say with certainty most men i've ever met have a vibe i don't enjoy. i don't usually want to be friends with them, so the thought of dating them is actually quite funny to me like, why would i do that ???? ? so the lesbian identity kinda acts as a shield, it protects me. the pronouns, on the other hand, i chose because most people read me as a woman, and as we have established i don't correct people. so it's easier to give in and say i am exactly the gender you think i am, no discussions. so for the past eight years or so i've been hiding in the cis-lesbian woman box, and the lesbians there are nice enough to let me stay with them, even tho we all know it's not where i belong.
tomodachi life lets you choose your mii's pronouns and dating preferences. i chose they/them, i always do, and bi, because i love romance and i hate choosing so i always want my characters to be able to explore all the possibilities.
even tho i do always choose they/them as my pronouns when given the choice, this game is the first one that actually uses the pronouns in human like conversations and scenarios. having all the other characters talk about me and refer to me as they feels so good, i've never experience it before and i honestly can not believe how nice it feels to hear my best friend's mii call me they. it almost made me want to come out and ask them to use it irl. which sent me into the spiral: come out as what exactly ? are you implying you're not cis ?
of course i know non-binary feels right, i've known me forever, i've never believed in gender a single day in my life, and i've been raised by amazing parents that have always allowed me to express myself exactly the way i am, which is clearly not a woman, also not a man but a secret third thing: gender is not real.
it's not like i'm gonna come out, that's not my style, i have problems sharing my feeling and being vulnerable, but it was very cool to experience how nice could it be thru tomodachi life.
because of this whole thing i think i started feeling really connected to my mii, like that's literally me, you know, the version of me that's free and happy. and so something that has never happened before did.
my characters are always bi, in every game, in every story, in every version, but none of those characters are ever actually me, so i just have fun playing god making everyone flirt and kiss for my entertainment, this time was different tho. seulgi's mii fell in love with mine and i didn't like it. weird. wdym my favorite celebrity, my biggest crush ever fell in love with me and i felt uncomfy ? why aren't i giggling and kicking my feet like i usually are ??
then my friend's mii fell in love with me and i hated it. why ? my friend is literally so hot and i actually had little gay crush on her when we first met and weren't friends yet, this could be fun ! why did i tell her mii she's imaging things ? why didn't i let the romance play out ? i love romance ! !! this is what i bought the game for !
i disliked it so much i went back and changed my mii's dating preferences to: not interested.
so here comes the other spiral this game sent me to: am i actually ace ?
and oh boy do i hate this spiral, i've been thru it many times and i always comes out of it looking like a mess, feeling like an impostor and still bisexual (or a lesbian if you ask me directly).
i know bisexuality and asexuality are often depicted as polar opposites, but to me they're essentially the same. liking everyone and liking nobody is the same thing. you feel a certain way towards people, doesn't matter the gender.
i think people are hot, not everyone of course but gender is not a factor. i like specific traits and vibes and if you have them i like you ! if i think you're hot, the way your body looks or the gender they raised you to be means nothing to me. and that's the very core of bisexuality right ? but isn't this also the way ace people feel ? ??
now the difference would be what do you want to do with this hot person you're looking at, would you, if given the chance, have sex with them ? would you be their romantic partner ? would you kiss them ?
i think i wouldn't, i could tho. i've never met someone i wanted to do those things with but i can see the appeal. i think i do feel sexual and romantic attraction or at least i can understand it, i just never feel like acting on it, almost as if i was too lazy. maybe my libido is just extremely low.
is that asexuality ? or am i just traumatized to the point of not being able to share intimacy with others ? was i ace the whole time ? or did shit happen and now i am not comfortable with sexual relationships ? but what even makes identity if not the experiences one has ?
anyway, the game is so much fun ! and i guess i am still unlabeled, but this was interesting to journal about, you gotta get it out of our system or else you won't be able to sleep thinking about it.
i could simply be a little evil monkey, monomalo
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