how do you re-charge your social batery ?

(tw: mental health issues rant)

almost 3 years ago i got my job at a café, and since then i've noticed a declined on my social life. i just don't have the energy to interact with my friends. 

 

let me give you a room tour of my brain, so you can understand a little bit more how i socialize. i am not a person that emotes spontaneously, everything i do to socialize i do it on command, as a performance of sorts. not to say i don't feel emotions, i'm just saying they don't show on my face or my behavior naturally. 

so every time i get visibly excited, disappointing, mad, etc. i do it on purpose, it's not like breathing to me, it's like choosing to write something on a notebook. i have to understand the situation, read it correctly, think about it, choose a face (or a noise), and make it, so the other person can see i am feeling the correct thing they expect me to feel.   

it's the same for speaking, my natural tendency is to be quiet. i love not talking. i think most of the time i can communicate just fine with noises, gestures, face expressions, or at least with the fewer words possible. but that is not the preferred way of interacting of most people, so i have to go out of my way to think of words to say, when they're not needed !! it wouldn't be so hard, if not for the fact my brain does not come up with words ! so every time someone expects me to say something, they put me on the spot and i have to improvise, and i get anxious and scared i'm gonna say some weird shit.

plus i just can't do small talk, i've been alive for 28 years and it still drives me crazy how can i not get it ? ! ! it looks so easy ! but my brain goes blank, i don't know how to do it, so i come off as awkward, and sometimes even rude !

the cherry on top, i am hyper aware of every little movement i make, and i am an overthinker. let's just say we are sitting next to each other, and the posture i'm in is a bit uncomfortable, normal thing to do: readjust, move a little so i am comfy. thing my brain does: if you move your leg in the slightest right now they're gonna think you think they're stinky and that you hate them and you're gonna ruin the vibes of the room and(insert here more nonsensical evil spiraling thoughts). then i can either (a) not move and be uncomfortable, (b) move and stay awake for the next 7 nights thinking about the repercussions of my actions and regretting them. 

(b) also happens when i feel like i've failed at a social interaction (spoke too much or too little, didn't emote on time or correctly, etc.)

i know what you're thinking, damn that sounds hard and exhausting, and you would be absolutely correct ! in fact, that is my point exactly. 

my whole life i've been saving tons of energy to interact with my friends, i love my friends, so even tho interacting with people is exhausting, it was okay because i did save my social energy exactly for this, i was so ready. i would hang out with them, then rest for a couple of days, get my energy back, and hang out again. it's been like this as far as i can remember, i am a master at pretending to know what's going on, i know what to emote and what to say, and even if i look a bit weird a few times, it's okay, they're my friends, they really don't care. 

now that i work at the café, i have to do an 8h performance per day. i have to interact with my extroverted chatty coworkers, and the thousands of costumers we get a day, every day. the amount of energy i need for that, doesn't exists. i've been running with no fuel in me for 3 years. 

it's gotten to the point, i've stopped socializing outside of work. i am using my free time to re-charge my energy, so i can use it for work. which means: no friends. 

i don't know what's wrong with me exactly, and honestly, at this point, i don't even care. i am in way too deep. i just wanted to vent, and maybe get some advice ? ?? ?

i think i've been masking so well and for so long, no-body knows i have these problems. don't get me wrong, most people think i'm super shy, an introvert, and a tiny bit weird, but they don't know how far it goes. they don't know my natural state is no words, no face expressions. literally the only person in the whole world who knows all my stims and quirks is my mom, and the only reason she knows is that if i masked at home too, i would lose my mind and kill myself. 

i know my friends very well, and i know they wouldn't care one bit if i started hanging out with them not talking and not visibly reacting to stuff, i know they would completely understand i am actually invested and having fun, even if it doesn't show in my face at all. but somehow, i'm still too scared to do it, i'm so scared to socialize wrong, i don't know why. i feel like if i don't talk, why would i even go ? i don't bring much to the table, it would be the same with or without me... i'm not trying to be mean to myself, i just thing it's a fact, why would someone want my company if i won't human properly ? i don't want to ruin the vibes. 

i am so tired, i just don't know what to do. being alive is so overstimulating, i can't do it. 

 

i just shouldn't have been born as a social creature, i should be a lizard or a jellyfish or something like that.  

collage manifesting my next life