i dont think i got the memo on beauty standars

 tw: mentions of self-harm and blood in a jokey light manner 

 ❀ 

i have this problem, i can't stop turning smooth healthy skin into open wounds. i'm not even talking about picking on pimples and black dots (tho that's how it started), i'm talking about straight up picking on regular skin until i bleed. face, chest, arms, thighs. i can't stop. 

this, as you can imagine, leaves a lot of scars and marks behind. the most visible ones, the ones that people notice and, therefore, comment on, are in my face. they hate it very much and they often pity me. 

don't get me wrong, i know this is probably under the self-harm umbrella in one way or another, i agree is a terrible thing to be doing to myself, and i would be better off if i got some sort of help. i understand is sad and it makes sense that people would feel pity looking at it. 

but ! that is not the reason why people pity me. they pity me because they think it's ugly. they think i look ugly with the scars. they think i could be so much more prettier if i stopped: "you have such a lovely face, why would you pick on it like that ?", "you're so pretty, why would you spoil it like that ??!", "you will regret it when you're older and it's to late to heal the scars, you will look like that forever"

they recommend me skin care routines 2 seconds after meeting me, i wish the skin care could fix my anxiety and my compulsions, but it won't. which means i would be spending so much money on creams for nothing, but they only care that i fix the way i look, not the way i feel. 

the thing is: i don't think it's ugly. i don't think it's pretty either, i just think it's me. i look in the mirror and i've got no opinions: i don't look hot or pretty but i also have no insecurities. that's just me.

 

i've always felt this way, not only about me but about everyone. 

the human body means nothing to me. if i think someone is ugly it has nothing to do with their body shape or their acne, and everything to do with the transphobic jokes they're making. if i think someone is hot it has nothing to do with their face symmetry and muscle density, and everything to do with their queer haircut, the way the talk, the way they move, their leftist tendencies and their aura. 

and for the longest time i've been so confused that everyone doesn't feel the same way i do. am i missing an important part of my brain ? how come bodies mean so much to everyone ? ?? it's like nobody downloaded the beauty standards file to my brain.

i don't mean this to sound like i cleverly found my way out of this terrible part of society, i am just genuinely confused because i don't understand it, and like with everything else weird in my little brain, i am left wondering: does this have something to do with some undiagnosed neurodivergency ? ?