collecting things and the meaning of life

i'm quite a negative person.

well i'm not sure if negative is the right word. maybe depressive or anhedonic are better descriptors.

i often find myself wishing i was dead. sighing: why bother ? 

now don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm suicidal. i'm just very comfortable with the idea of dying. i don't believe in any of the many many human fantasies about death: reincarnation, heaven, ghosts. all that is pretty much bullshit to me, i believe i will stop existing altogether when i die. i will stop thinking, stop feeling, stop breathing.

now for someone that is extremely anxious and socially dysfunctional, to stop existing sounds so peaceful and nice. life is so chaotic, so scary. death, on the other hand, sounds so relaxing. 

so many times i caught myself in the middle of one of my favorite activities or about to finish a collection i've been trying to put together for almost ten years and i'm like: why ? why did i do that ? why am i putting so much effort in living ?

i could die tomorrow. i could die right now actually ! then it all would've been for nothing. all this money, all this time: wasted. for nothing. 

everyday i struggle to find motivation to move. to wake up, to eat, to talk to my friends, to draw, to read, to drink water, to go to work, to shower. everything is so hard. and i simply can't find a good reason why i should keep going, when i could be dead (pos). i could be resting in peace forever. no more confusing unpleasant social interactions, no more sleepless nights overthinking every single thing i've ever said and done.

the more i think about it, and i think about it a lot, i realize life really has no meaning. i can't find a reason to live because there's none. we are just here. a bunch of random events happened and then i was born. for no reason. just because. i'm here the same way ants are.

did you know most adult beetles live like 3 months max ? and they still do it. they go around doing beetle stuff. i mean they might as well, right ? 

so i guess i might as well go around doing human stuff. there's no reason why to, but i'm gonna keep searching "red velvet russian roulette album" on ebay in hopes someone is selling their old copy for a price i can afford, so i can complete my collection. then i'm gonna die and my collection won't matter anymore, nothing will matter. and that's okay.

look how pretty it is tho, how happy the music makes me, how much joy i get out of looking at the photobooks. 

 

i can't wait to die but until then i will listen to music, read books, craft and clean the dust off of my thousand of trinkets.

and drink water.

even if i'm tired and it's hard, even if i don't want to, even if can't find a good reason why.

see what i was saying ? negative is not the right word.